Currently Listening Maybe I'll Catch Fire By Alkaline Trio see related

Time

Days wasted and nights go by
I still get the shivers up and down my spine
And if you ask me how I am, I'll say I'm just fine
It doesn't even matter if it's a truth or lie

And I waited so long for you to come by
Yeah I waited so long but you never arrived
I hated you that night but I thought we'd survive
But you never came back NO YOU NEVER CAME BACK

    I believed you when you said that you wanted me
    I believed you when you said that you needed me
    And I believed you when you said that you loved me

    Well believe me when I say I still want you
    Believe me when I say I still need you
    Believe me when I say I still love you


When you were there, I thought I could fly
You were the only drug that could get me high
I know I'm not the only one who use to cry
Tears of joy every night

Do you ever get the feeling like you want to die?
I know you get that feeling deep down inside
I know I'm not the only one who use to cry
Myself to sleep everynight

    I believed you when you said that you wanted me
    I believed you when you said that you needed me
    And I believed you when you said that you loved me

    Well believe me when I say I still want you
    Believe me when I say I still need you
    Believe me when I say I still love you
    -------
    I believed you when you said that you wanted me
    I believed you when you said that you needed me
    And I believed you when you said that you loved me

    Well believe me when I say I don't want you
    Believe me when I say I dont' need you
    Believe me when I say I don't love you anymore

I thought I had myself under control again, well looks like I've found myself under another facade.
My pain has not subsided but rather hidden itself, keep me from knowing how fucked up I truly am.
I don't know why the feelings flood back so fast, the memories, the heartache, and the joy. I was talking
to Tony, we passed by my old apartment and he said "you used to live there". And I never thought about it
till then, that was my old life...and it wasn't even that long ago. Hardly 2 or 3 months has passed. Like he said
it wasn't a slow transistion, it was a quick slap in the face and one day I woke up and everything had changed.
I had lost everything and everyone I truly cared about in a matter of 2 months, 2 of those people I've known for a 
long time and knowning I lost them now....hurts more than anything. I put some much trust and care into them
and now they aren't there anymore. They are there but not, not the way they used to be for me. I'm not saying
my new friends aren't great cause they are, Tony and Nathan have been so wonderful to me, Tony's family has
helped pick me up on my feet again and keep holding me up, but sometimes I just miss what I had with Mathis, 
Kady, Scott, and even Gary and Bud. I put those lyrics up there from my old band Secluded Riot to remind me
of the past and the lyrics we wrote so long ago didn't really mean anything to any of us at the time and now they 
mean so much to me. It creeps me out. 

Overall, I'm just creeped out that it has changed so fast. And I can't go back to fix the wrongs or make things better.
Overall, I miss the old times, I miss my old friends, I miss it all, more than you will ever know. 

Today is just not a good day. 

Nothing was supposed to hurt like this.
missing you was always one more kiss.
now there's nothing that i can do.
one more nail in the coffin, and it's all for you.
always were and always were a simple love story.
you were everything i ever hoped and dreamed.
drown me in a pool of my blood.
it's getting harder just to breathe.
i'll suffocate you faster just so you can't see,
so you can't see me sleep.

it's getting harder just to say the right things.
i've seen the angel's face, and i've heard her sing to me.
from my reflection on this razor blade,
i've heard ten thousand dying screams,
and they're calling me.

the day will break on this saddest day,
so don't let me wake. i've heard this all before,
and i've seen this over and over again.
don't let me wake.

drown me in a pool of my blood.
it's getting harder just to breathe.
i'll suffocate you faster just so you can't see,
so you can't see me sleep.
so you can't see me sleep.

the day will break on this saddest day,
so don't let me wake. i've heard this all before,
and i've seen this over and over again.
don't let me wake.

nothing was supposed to hurt like this.
and missing you, was always one more kiss.
and now there's nothing that i can do.
there's just one more nail in the coffin.
there's just one more nail, and it's all for you.
i've seen the angel's face, and i've heard her sing to me.
from my reflection on this razor blade,
i've heard ten thousand dying screams,
and they're calling me.

the day will break on this saddest day,
so don't let me wake. i've heard this all before,
and i've seen this over and over again.
don't let me wake.

Currently Listening Endangered Species By Flaw see related

We've been through this before......

Compromise
With me agree right now
Useless cries
I'm telling you just how
Paralyzed
There is nothing I can do
I realize
I liked the other you.

You've changed
Everything about you is strange
Look at yourself, you've changed
With the facts in your face
It's causing conflict

Hypnotized
By all your complex games
Sacrifice
My own opinions change
Justify
Just why to stay with you
I can't see why
Nothing else for me to do
It makes no sense
Putting ourselves through all this
At my expense
Don't I deserve much less
It's way past time
To right the wrong we're in
The bottom line
No way that we can win

You've changed
Everything about you is strange
Look at yourself, you've changed
With the facts in your face
It's causing conflict

History Repeats Itself.....everyone saw this coming but me, I see now and I'm not going to let it ruin my life. Not again.

Currently Listening Abandon Your Friends By From Autumn to Ashes see related

I feel like I'm dying, dying on the inside. I've taken so much for granted and when its taken away from you so quick, you are left standing in the dark, wondering where everyone went. I lost everything so quickly, I just don't know where to begin again. The blade I once so looked for, its there....right in front of me but I'm too scared to use it. Draw a warm bath, soak myself in the memories of the past, slowly push the blade down.....one quick flip of the wrist and the pain will leave. If I'm going to be alone in this dark hell, why not be in hell itself? Whats the difference? My vision of hell is black sulfur fire and one cell to hold your mind. And thats where I am now. My head is spinning constantly with everything that has happened, I haven't even gotten a clean grasp of reality yet. I'm still living in a nightmare, a nightmare so dark and cold that it holds my heart in its icy grip and I feel dead to the world. I breathe in smoke and breathe out pain. I'm done in for, I was afraid this day would come, I tried to talk to her but she didn't want to listen nor talk back. Its pointless now, no use in expressing my feelings, they don't mean to shit to her anymore. I'm just another lost cause, another chapter shut in everyone's book, I've tried to open a new chapter of my own and see how far thats gotten me....back to reading the last few to remind me of the worst days of my life. If I could just turn back the hands of time, go back to when I was innocent and she was so beautiful at first sight. My relationship with her was the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me. I can't even find the strength to cry anymore, its all lost in my unwillingness to believe that everything will be ok. Nothing will ever be ok for me. Never has, never will. There is always something that will cut into my heart like a knife on fire and dig itself so deep, its unretrievable. God, what the fuck is wrong with me? She has moved on, everyone has told me to move on, but why am I still stuck here? Whats keeping me here? Why do I torture myself? FUCK! I'm so fucked up, I can't see straight, I just want to rip open my head and spill out the insides to burn into the ground, the way they burn into me. Its like acid, dripping constantly on my insides, every moment I hear a sizzle as one more part of me dissipates to nothing. This is going to sound crazy but sometimes I wish I would die of accidental reasons so I wouldn't but the "burden" on anyone of killing myself. I don't want to die quick, I want to die in agony because even then the pain on the inside will subside and I can focus on the outside. I just need anything to focus on besides the idea of my insides burning me alive. I'll do anything, just to shut them up for one fucking second, I can feel the black blood dripping from my heart following up to my throat. I can feel it like I can feel the keyboard beneath these tired fingers. These fingers who have typed out every feeling in my body for the past 2 years on this fucking online fucking journal of nothingness. No one reads this shit anymore, I want to quit posting but if I do, I'll never release my feelings, I've never be able to tell anyone any of these things. The idea of death sounds so much better than the way I'm living life right now.

Today, I see the world for what it is. A cold, inhumane cell of torture and pain, why would anyone be happy enough to stay alive for that? The ending will come, maybe soon, then my mind can rest....I just want it to rest. Its killing me. Its making me want to do crazy things and its making me believe to not give a fuck anymore. I've never been able to not give a fuck about anyone. I care way too much for my own good because I know the people I care for the most will end up just fucking me over in the end and look at where I stand....I'll stand here again and again.

Please just make this go away....

Thats all I ask.....

Someone take my life.....

Or one day, I'll be crazy enough to do it myself.

I'm very close to the end of my rope.....

And the free fall is the most anticipating thing I've ever wanted to feel in my life.